Let me ask you something.
When was the last time you made a decision based on what you wanted?
Not what was practical.
Not what would make everyone else happy.
Not what would look good on paper.
Not what would make you a good employee, partner, parent, daughter, or friend.
Just...what you wanted.
If you're sitting there thinking, Well, shit. I don't actually know, you're in good company.
Because for a lot of women, figuring out what we want isn't nearly as straightforward as it sounds.
We're taught to consider other people's needs. To be responsible. To be accommodating. To work hard. To make good decisions.
And those aren't inherently bad things.
But when you've spent years making decisions based on what you should do, it can become surprisingly difficult to distinguish between what actually matters to you and what you've simply gotten really good at doing.
Sometimes the hardest part of changing your life isn't figuring out how to change it.
It's figuring out what you actually want to change.
It’s figuring out why you tend to make the decisions you make under the surface.
And that's where understanding your values comes in.
In this article, we'll explore what personal values are, why they can be difficult to identify, and how to use a simple values card sort to get clearer about what matters to you.
Why is it so hard to know what you want?
Here's something I see frequently in my work as a therapist.
Women who are incredibly capable of making decisions for everyone else can feel completely stuck when it comes to making decisions for themselves.
They can organize complicated schedules, manage demanding careers, navigate family crises, and anticipate other people's needs before anyone even asks.
But ask them what they want?
Suddenly, it's complicated.
And there are some really good reasons for that.
You've gotten really good at being who people need you to be
Maybe you were the responsible kid.
The peacemaker.
The high achiever.
The golden child.
The one who didn't cause problems.
Or maybe you learned early on that being helpful, successful, agreeable, or independent earned you approval, connection, or a sense of safety.
Over time, those roles can become part of how you understand yourself.
Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with being responsible or helpful.
But sometimes we become so attached to the roles we're good at playing that we forget to ask whether we actually want to keep playing them.
Being good at something doesn't automatically make it meaningful to you.
You've confused being needed with being fulfilled
Being the person everyone relies on can feel good.
It can give you purpose, connection, and a sense of competence.
But being needed and feeling fulfilled aren't necessarily the same thing.
You can be incredibly valuable to other people while feeling disconnected from your own needs.
You can spend your entire day doing things that matter and still feel like you haven't done anything that matters to you.
And that distinction is worth exploring.
You've been taught that wanting something different is selfish
For some women, prioritizing their own needs comes with a whole lot of guilt.
Maybe you grew up in a family where self-sacrifice was expected.
Maybe religious or cultural messages taught you that being a good woman meant putting yourself last.
Maybe you've internalized the idea that wanting something different means you're ungrateful.
But having needs, preferences, and desires doesn't make you selfish.
It makes you human.
And considering your own well-being doesn't mean you suddenly stop caring about everyone else's.
You are allowed to be a main character in your own life, not just a supporting character in everyone else's.
How people-pleasing and perfectionism can disconnect you from your values
People-pleasing and perfectionism can make identifying your core values especially complicated.
Not because people-pleasers or perfectionists don't have values.
But because the desire to avoid disappointing others, make the right decision, or meet expectations can become so loud that it's difficult to hear anything else.
Maybe you say yes to things because you don't want someone to be upset with you.
Maybe you keep pursuing professional accomplishments because slowing down feels like failure.
Maybe you take responsibility for things that aren't actually yours because you're afraid they won't get done correctly.
And maybe you're so used to asking, What do I need to do? that you've stopped asking, What matters to me?
Here's where I think things get particularly interesting.
Sometimes the behaviors that look like they're aligned with our values are actually attempts to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Let's say you value connection.
You might find yourself constantly saying yes to people because you want to maintain your relationships.
But are you saying yes because the experience genuinely supports meaningful connection?
Or because you're afraid someone will be disappointed, angry, or reject you if you say no?
Those are two very different motivations.
Or maybe you value growth.
You take on every opportunity, pursue every certification, and constantly push yourself to accomplish more.
But is that coming from curiosity and a genuine desire to learn?
Or from the fear that you're not good enough unless you're continually achieving something?
Sometimes it's both.
We often live in the grey areas.
The point isn't to interrogate every decision until you've convinced yourself you're doing life right or wrong.
It's to get curious about what's driving your choices.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you might also find it helpful to explore how anxiety, perfectionism, and boundaries show up in your life.
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. And just because you're good at something doesn't mean you owe it to the world to keep doing it when it's making you miserable.
You might already know what matters to you. You just haven't put words to it yet.
Here's something I believe about values:
We're often moving toward or away from what matters to us long before we've consciously identified what those things are.
I think that's part of why we sometimes know something feels off, even when we can't explain why.
Maybe you're feeling unfulfilled in a career you've worked incredibly hard to build. Maybe you're resentful of responsibilities you willingly took on. Maybe you have a nagging sense that something needs to change, but you can't quite put your finger on what.
Sometimes, that discomfort is telling us something about the distance between how we're living and what matters most to us.
We may recognize the feeling long before we understand what's underneath it.
For example, empathy is one of my personal values.
When I respond to someone in a way that feels unempathetic, I notice it. It's visceral. There's this uncomfortable feeling of, Ugh. That wasn't who I wanted to be in that moment. My entire body reacts.
And it's not necessarily because anyone else noticed or called me out.
It's because my behavior didn't reflect something that matters deeply to me.
Maybe you've experienced something similar.
You agree to something you don't want to do, and afterward, you feel resentful.
You stay quiet when something feels unfair, and it bothers you long after the conversation ends. You may be still replaying it in your head.
You spend an entire weekend meeting everyone else's needs, and by Sunday evening, you feel disconnected from yourself.
Or you make a decision that other people don't understand, but something about it feels deeply right to you.
Those experiences can offer clues about what matters to you.
Resentment might invite you to explore autonomy, fairness, or reciprocity.
Discomfort after staying silent might point toward courage, honesty, or justice.
Feeling energized after trying something new might reflect curiosity, growth, or creativity.
Of course, not every uncomfortable feeling means you've violated a value, and not every comfortable decision is values-aligned. Our emotional responses are influenced by plenty of things, including stress, fear, past experiences, and our nervous systems.
Our feelings can be useful information when we approach them with curiosity instead of immediately trying to get rid of them.
And that's where things get interesting.
Because many women have become incredibly skilled at pushing those feelings aside.
There's dinner to make. Emails to answer. Kids to pick up. Clients to see. Deadlines to meet. Someone needs something, and apparently, you're the person who's going to figure it out.
Who has time to sit around exploring why something felt off?
So we keep moving.
We dismiss the resentment.
We rationalize the discomfort.
We tell ourselves we're overreacting, being selfish, or making a big deal out of nothing.
And sometimes we miss an opportunity to understand something important about ourselves.
That's part of what makes values clarification so powerful. It's about making the implicit explicit.
It's taking the things that have been quietly influencing our emotions, motivations, and decisions and giving them a name.
Because once we understand why something matters to us, we can start using that awareness to make more intentional choices about how we want to live.
Instead of simply reacting to what feels wrong, we can get curious about why.
Instead of chasing accomplishments without understanding what we're hoping they'll give us, we can explore the values underneath those goals.
And instead of letting our lives be shaped entirely by habits, expectations, and whatever demands our attention that day, we can begin making more deliberate choices about where we want to put our energy.
Not perfectly.
Not all the time.
But with a little more awareness of what matters to us and why.
What are core values, anyway?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), one of the evidence-informed approaches that shapes my work, values are the qualities and directions we want to bring into our lives.
They're not a checklist of accomplishments.
They're not rules about how a good person should behave.
And they're definitely not another opportunity to judge yourself for falling short.
Think of values as a compass.
They help you identify the direction you want to move, even when life gets messy.
For example, you might value:
Freedom: Having autonomy over your time, choices, and how you live.
Connection: Building relationships where you feel seen, supported, and understood.
Creativity: Making space for imagination, expression, and exploration.
Integrity: Acting in ways that align with your beliefs and principles.
Curiosity: Remaining open to new experiences, perspectives, and ideas.
Security: Creating stability and predictability in your life.
Compassion: Responding to yourself and others with care and understanding.
Justice: Working toward fairness, equity, and dignity for yourself and others.
None of these values is better than another (though if one of these a core value for you, you may stauchly disagree with me on that.)
And the same value can mean different things to different people.
For one person, freedom might mean traveling the world.
For another, it might mean having enough financial stability to leave a job they hate.
For someone else, freedom might mean being able to express their identity without constantly worrying about other people's reactions.
That's why identifying a value is only the beginning.
You also need to understand what that value actually means to you.
Values vs. goals: they aren’t the same as much as our driven little hearts want them to be
Let's say you have a goal of getting promoted.
Why?
Maybe because you value financial security.
Maybe because you love learning and want more opportunities to grow.
Maybe because you want greater freedom over your schedule.
Or maybe because you've spent your entire life believing that success means continually moving up the ladder.
See the difference?
The same goal can reflect very different motivations.
Goals are things you can accomplish.
Values are the directions you want to keep moving toward.
You can achieve a goal and check it off your list.
But you don't finish being compassionate, curious, courageous, or connected.
You continue finding ways to live those qualities.
That matters because:
You can accomplish every goal on your list and still feel unfulfilled if those goals aren't connected to what matters to you.
This doesn't mean you need to abandon your goals.
It means getting curious about why you're pursuing them.
How to identify your core values: A simple values card sort
One of my favorite ways to explore values is through a values card sort.
It's an exercise where you review different values, consider their importance, and narrow them down to the ones that feel most meaningful to you.
The goal isn't to choose the values that make you sound like an impressive human being.
We're not auditioning for sainthood here.
The goal is to identify the qualities you genuinely want guiding your decisions.
Step 1: Start with a values card sort
You can use a digital values card sort or create your own using index cards.
Write one value on each card.
Include a variety of values, such as autonomy, adventure, belonging, compassion, creativity, courage, curiosity, fairness, freedom, growth, honesty, love, security, and stability.
For now, this link will take you to an external values card sort. An interactive Elevate version is coming soon! I’m such a nerd for this shit, I decided to make my own!
Step 2: Sort the cards into three categories
As you review each value, place it into one of three groups:
Very important to me: These are qualities you want to prioritize and bring into your life. These are the things that motivate your behavior.
Somewhat important to me: These matter, but they may not be central to how you want to live.
Less important to me: These may be worthwhile qualities OR really important behaviors to serve a deeper value, but they don't feel especially meaningful to you.
And here's the important part:
Try to notice when you're choosing a value because you think you're supposed to.
Maybe your family highly valued achievement, but you find yourself craving simplicity.
Maybe you grew up believing stability was the ultimate goal, but you're discovering how much you value adventure.
Maybe you were taught that putting others first was always the right thing to do, but you're realizing how important autonomy is to you.
You don't have to reject the values you grew up with.
But you do get to decide whether they're still yours.
Step 3: Narrow your list to five core values
Look at your "very important" pile.
Now try to narrow it down to five values or fewer.
This can be surprisingly difficult, especially when many values feel important.
You might find that some overlap.
For example, honesty, authenticity, and integrity may all represent something similar for you.
Or freedom, independence, and autonomy might be closely connected.
Ask yourself:
Which values feel most essential to the person I want to be?
Which values would I want guiding me during difficult decisions?
Which values matter to me even when nobody else notices?
Which values would I regret not making room for?
Which values does your body have a response to when you think about getting to do behaviors involving them all the time? How does your body react when you think about never getting to lean into the value again?
And remember, this isn't a legally binding contract with the universe.
Your priorities can evolve as your life changes. In fact, I personally do this sort once a year, sometimes more depending on the season of life that I’m in.
Step 4: Define what each value means to you
This is one of the most important steps.
Because simply identifying "connection" or "freedom" doesn't tell us much about what those values look like in your life.
For each value, finish this sentence:
"To me, this value means..."
For example:
Freedom: Having enough flexibility and autonomy to make choices about how I spend my time and energy.
Connection: Building relationships where I can be myself rather than feeling responsible for everyone else's emotional well-being.
Creativity: Having opportunities to explore ideas, make things, and experience something beyond productivity.
Don't worry about getting the wording perfect.
This is about discovering what feels meaningful to you.
Step 5: Notice where your values show up in your life
Now that you've identified your core values, it's time to look at how they're reflected in your everyday decisions.
For each value, ask yourself:
Where am I already living this value?
Where would I like to make more room for it?
Let's say one of your values is connection.
Maybe you spend a lot of time with people, but most of that time involves taking care of their needs.
You might realize you're surrounded by people but rarely feel deeply supported yourself.
Or maybe you value creativity but haven't done anything creative in months because every spare moment gets filled with work or responsibilities.
This isn't about finding things you're doing wrong so we’ve got more reasons to feel guilty.
Enough of that bullshit.
It's about noticing where your time, energy, and choices align with what matters to you—and where they don't.
Knowing your values is just the beginning
Identifying your values doesn't mean you have to immediately overhaul your life.
It doesn't mean every decision suddenly becomes easy.
Sometimes our values compete with one another. We might value freedom and stability, connection and independence, or career growth and family time.
Real-life circumstances like finances, caregiving responsibilities, or health can make it difficult to prioritize the things that matter to us.
That's okay.
Values aren't another set of expectations to live up to. They're a compass to help you make more intentional choices.
Like setting a boundary, making time for something you love, questioning an old expectation, or recognizing why something hasn't been feeling quite right.
What's one small thing I could do this week that would bring me a little closer to the life I want to live?
The goal isn't to create another perfectly optimized version of yourself.
It's to build a life that actually feels like yours.
Want to explore your values a little further?
You have a couple of ways to get started.
Try my free values card sort. (I designed this specifically for my clients and now for you!)
Explore your personal values, identify up to five that matter most, and start considering how they show up in your life.
[TRY THE FREE VALUES CARD SORT]
Get personalized guidance with a Values Clarity Session
Sometimes it helps to have someone walk through the process with you.
I'm developing one-time Values Clarity Sessions to help you identify your values, explore the motivations behind your decisions, and develop practical ways to live more intentionally.
These will be educational consultations, not psychotherapy, focused on values clarification and personal goal-setting.
[JOIN THE VALUES CLARITY SESSION INTEREST LIST]
I'm Ashley Fields, LCSW, a licensed therapist and owner of Elevate Therapy & Consulting. I help women navigate anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, trauma, and identity shifts while building lives that reflect what matters to them. My work draws on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values-based approaches, and other evidence-informed practices.
Looking for individualized mental health support? I offer online therapy in Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, North Carolina, California, and Oregon.
This article is educational and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.
